I have realised that since I was in primary 2, I have been in cliques with about the prettiest girls in school. But I had to spoil them. Maybe because they got all the attention, that's why I have a low self-esteem. And it seems to get lower as I grow older. The sentence, "Looks are not everything, personality is." is so overrated and untrue.

The issue has been revolving in my mind since forever. Perhaps it's because I don't often feel appreciated. Or perhaps I just secretly love attention. Either way, I think all these shit have made me obsessed about not being pretty and not being skinny every single day of my life. I sound so superficial myself. But trust me, it's true; some guys really do treat my pretty friends better than they do to me. And even though those guys don't mean anything to me, it still hurts. It fucking hurts. I would just like to fit in, is it that difficult?

And probably this is why I place my interest into painting pretty nails, dressing up and having nice hair. All because you think I don't have a pretty face. Well thanks? Maybe.

I do have a lot of best friends who are guys though. I can say that they are probably amongst the best guys around. Therefore when they tell me about the girls they like, I can't help but to feel envious. Not because I want them to be mine, but envious of the girls. I'm like a "brother" to these guys, I like how it works; I like our "men's night" outings, but sometimes I really wish I can be treated as a girl. Afterall, I really am. Nevertheless, I love you guys and I still find myself a lucky bitch for having you guys around and being one of your "brothers".

So I guess the only thing I'm really proud of myself is the ability to bring laughter to my friends. By making a fool out of myself, by real humour, I don't know. Either way, I'm happy because I like to be the happy pill of my friends. I hope I can at least be appreciated in this sense. Because I really love each and everyone of you.

But at the end of the day, who doesn't want to be pretty? Who doesn't want to keep improving?

This is what I do to counter a disappointment

So you see I have been pinning up my fringe and banding up my fringe recently? Cause I have decided that I want to grow my bangs long long long so I can tuck my fringe behind my earssss. I made this decision official when I dreamt that I got my bangs back and I was damn freaking sad, so sad that I wanted to cry. It's like those feelings where something is at your throat when you're forcing back your tears. You know? I think you do.

And I started drawing brows because without drawing, you can't really see my brows so you'll think I've no brows but in actual fact, it's just that my brows are.....

1. Short
2. Scarce
3. Light coloured

So anyhow, yes I started drawing them so it's nicer like that and people won't continue asking me "Where are your brows, you look like you don't have brows!" And I've been using eyeliner almost everytime I go out. Bad sign, bad sign. I really don't want to rely on damn make ups y'know. Okay ironic but I think I'm just going to stop here! Just brows and liners... and maybe mascara for certain occassions. I've been trying out different hairstyles that I can wear out. If you know and realised... I like to do all sorts of things with my hair. Hahahaha Except those with chemicals involved. Like dye-ing it or perming it and things like that. Okay I don't know why the hell am I talking about all these. I think it's just because I grew even more vain recently. Seriously. Shit. Hahahaha. So it's the holidays now and I have to be on the look out for cheap cameras. My camera spoilt cause I am too ugly or something. Hahaha kidding, but I'm seriously damn sad about it. If you know me you'll know how camwhoring is like a part of my life. Without my camera, you can totally see the drop in my posts. So.. I.NEED.A.CAMERA! I know there's IT Fair going on at Suntec today but I'm too lazy to get my butt out of the house. Or rather, because I'm having my regular mestrual cramps again, and today is the third day. For the past two days, I still had to go out for christmas caroling and I am not going to force myself out again today. UNLESS... someone asks me out. Well depending who :) If not, I'm going to watch a movie online now! Byebyebyebye.